This past Saturday, May 24, 2008, in Rochester, New York I graduated college. I handed my dean a yellow index card with a phonetic pronunciation of my name.

"Joseph McLeod. High Honors."

He said my name wrong. My grimace was obvious. I walked across a brown and orange decorated stage, shook hands with men in funny clothes and accepted my diploma holder. For four years of work, It didn't feel as good as I thought it would.

Maybe it was because I couldn't fully share the accomplishment. My older sister couldn't make it. Her oldest son was graduating Kindergarten. I can't blame her for not being there. My godparents couldn't attend. They had an emergency. I thought about my grandfather. He died my first year, fall quarter, before finals week. This year during finals week, his brother, my great uncle William, went to join him. To the left of the stage, I smiled for photographers while the rest of my family was back in Pittsburgh burying our own. I know they're all proud of this medium-sized accomplishment, but the absence of my loved ones made it hard to appreciate.

Finals week had a lot to do with it. I had a hard time sleeping because I was worried about about my capstone project. It was all good becuase I was up all night reading and programming anyway. Spring wasn't a graceful quarter but I made it. I got one silly B in my creative writing non fiction course. A 4.0 would've been stellar! But I chose something challenging and enriching instead of a senior bird course. I should've taken Wines of the World like everyone else.

I finished my capstone presentation the Wednesday of finals week. My friends and residents were done and I rushed to catch up. Bittersweet goodbyes and farewells followed. This was my final year in the dorms as an Resident Advisor. My active (another word for good) residents made me a video and we had our last floor dinner at this awesome restaurant called Bill Gray's. My troubled kids, in their last act of ignorant defiance, left me with one last story. After that ordeal, I caught up with my best friends. We went out twice to seal the year. The first was to this garbage club called Soho. We didn't get in until 1 AM. Inside, we had a decent time. The second night was calm in comparison. Like true students of a technical school, we watched anime and played video games. After that we went to IHOP. We've been going there after clubs and parties for the last few years. Normally we analyze the night but this time it was about our college escapades. We laughed while we ate. The check came and I said goodbye to my favorite waitress, Kelly.

After graduation, I introduced my friends to my parents. We took a few pictures and said goodbye one more time. Now I'm back home typing this in my living room. I've decided to go back to Pittsburgh for my last co-op. Maybe that's why I feel so disappointed. Honors cords, accolades, and a high GPA don't mean anything if you don't do anything with it. But, as my ex-crush reminded me, it's not over. Only time will tell. But I've wasted enough of yours rambling. See you around.

* This post was edited and reposted June 18, 2008

I've been trying to post for a while now. I can't seem to find what I really want to say. It'll appear at the end of this entry because I won't feel like talking about it. Anyway, graduation is less than a week away and I'm bothered with stress and emotions.

Today I felt like I could miss people. I've finally admitted it. The people around me are such a huge part of my life and in a week they'll all be gone. Yeah, I could keep in touch but I am HORRIBLE at it. Even facebook can't save me.

I'm getting sick of school. I'm so stressed out over my senior project due Wednesday that I caught another cold. Even the food on campus is making me sick and I've been shoveling it down four years without many complaints. My muscles are stiff and sore and the other night I woke up and I couldn't breathe. It was terrifying. I really don't have that much to worry about but my mind is racing towards the negative. It's killing me.

I tried to talk to my friends but  ... they don't understand. Half are engineers so they graduate next year and the other half have an extra year added because they switched majors. Their cliche advice made me dizzy.

A few hours ago, the crush from first year called. She was admitted to grad school and is on her way to her dream. We talked about this next step I spoke of stepping into nothing. She, like always, called me on my bull. She told me that it seems like I'm limiting myself and she's right. I just don't believe in myself and I'm scared to move on alone. I can't face this dragon right now... I 'll talk to you Wednesday after my finals are over.

This quarter I'm taking a writing course called Creative Nonfiction. It's taught by the toughest black, and arguably the toughest writing, professor at my University. Our final project is a memoir. My classmates and I have been struggling to get our histories down on paper. I finally came to terms with my topic. It's about SAMS and the experience I had at Carnegie Mellon the summer before my senior year.

The program set my sights so high about what I wanted from college. Much has changed in the five years since (Sare, if you still read this, can you believe it's been five years?!) and it makes me a little disappointed to walk the stage for graduation in a few weeks without the things I wanted most.

to be black, without being uppity -> I have my whole life to do this
to be a sigma
to be a boyfriend -> could've been, had many chances
to be challenged
to be successful
to be rewarded with a great job -> my fault, no trying hard enough