I want to disappear. Yesterday I played with the thought of getting my degree and falling off the face of the earth. Not in attempt to dodge my student loans but to avoid everyone I know. During my first year my older sister said she felt alone not having me at family functions. Well, the way I see it now, she's got her own family including a husband and three kids. She doesn't need me. I applied the same theory to everyone I know and decided they're all very capable of moving on. I call this the I-aint-shit-no-way theory of human relativity. I thought about a lot of other factors too like where I would go, where I would work, and if I would send my parents, notably my mother, letters to know I was okay, and if I ever returned to society and got married and had kids, would I return to my original life and try to make it work. Obviously I would close this and never start anything similar considering search engines. I came to a conclusion about everything. I'm not posting it here. Not because then someone would have clues about where to find me, but because I value my intellectual property. Imagine that, downloaded an escape plan.

Let me give you the run down of everything else:
I'm lost in class and getting my ass kicked more than usual. For some reason, I keep getting good grades though. Makes it hard to prove my point. My clubs aren't fulfilling anymore. I'm extremely upset with the Black community on my campus and I no longer carry enough clout to make a difference. Theres no way I'll join a fraternity now so I'm taking that as a major rejection. A few days ago I sat down with R and told him about the stuff that's been going on. That was the last time I talked to anyone in my crew. Even my girls, my favorites, the ones like sisters, seem to be pushing me away. Finally there's the love life. Oh my, is it messed up. Lately I've been doing this awkward nerd thing. Like I started watching this vlog and now I'm obsessed with the writer- some Vietnamese girl with an English accept. Pathetic, but it gets worse. So I'm sitting in class today and there's this Korean girl that sits behind me. She's usally dressed to the t and today she was uppercase. Anyway, I randomly blurt out some awkward comment about her hair and it was terrible. My friend girl who sits next to me just  and gave me the quisical brow that said "whoa, what kind of loser are you?" I have another bad story but I'm not recording it. This is painful but I'll continue. I'm a terrible RA right now. I'm half way where I should be for this quarter and I have three stellar active programs to do or I'm going to be put on probation by my d-bag boss. Oh, and I still don't have a job, my resume is whack (don't offer help, I know how to make it better but I hate myself so much I don't even want to look at it,) and I have no portfolio. All my shit is shit. Oh, add on top of that an array of terrible dreams that get more graphic and disturbing every night.

So yeah, other than that I'm all good. Crap, I didn't mean for this entry to degenerate into this. But it's written. So happy Thursday or something.

After last night, I realized I really miss talking to you. You always have a different perspective on life and it makes me think. I'm not looking forward to you disappearing out of my life after May :-( Thank you for being such a great friend